Okay, I Think I’m a Friendgirl

Starting today, I’ll also be launching the banner How’s Your Heart?. This is a collection of blogs about courtship, dating, and relationships. I’ll be posting blogs under this banner every Monday. This blog is the first one (for this year) under the banner. Anyway…

Last Monday, I wrote about the friendgirl, primarily addressing my fellow men (Read it here). I never expected that it will be widely read and received. In this blog, I’ll be doing a follow-up. Since the first one was address to men, this one will be for women.

Some Thoughts First

But before I write for the ladies, I’ll be sharing a couple of thoughts.

First, a friend told me that readers perceived that the friendgirl idea was originally mine. Well, before he brought this to my attention, I already knew. Some of the comments sounded as if they attribute the idea to me.

Just so you know: The friendgirl concept isn’t really mine. It is from Joshua Rogers. This should be clear because I blockquoted him in the former blog. So let’s give credit to Rogers. His article really moved me and inspired me to write the friendgirl blog. I praise God for his insight on the issue. (By the way, Rogers dropped by my blog. I hope I can get in touch with him soon).

Second, I want to say that I’m not the expert in this kind of topics. Just like many others, I’m also on a journey, exploring, learning, and growing in this exciting phase of my life. So if you are a learner in this journey, I am with you. I once said to my friends: I’m just a “theoretician,” not a practitioner. If the blog left a lasting impact in you, then I guess it’s really the Lord teaching you. To Him be the praises!

What Do the Friendgirls Need to Do

Let’s go down to business. As I said a while ago, this blog is primarily for women. But men will also benefit from this.

I’m here to give a brotherly advice. I once thought of talking with my female friends regarding this friendgirl issue and solicit their ideas. But I postponed doing so, and I’ll do it some other time. So whatever you read below is brotherly counsel in its rawest form, uninfluenced by any female perspective. Keep in mind that since I posted the blog, I haven’t yet had a serious conversation, online or face-to-face, regarding this issue. So I’ll be ready when those discussions come my way. And I guess this will prolong the friendgirl mania.

After doing some reflection, you finally thought, “Okay, I think I’m a friendgirl! What do I do then?” Consider the following counsel from your brother in Christ:

1. Confront your friend. If you’re becoming (or already are) expectant and confused about your close male friend, and are suspecting that you have become his friendgirl, then there is only one thing to do: Confrontation! I assume that since you have become like a friendgirl to him, then there is already a deep friendship build between you. So this should be tolerable.

I know this is hard, but you must muster all the strength and courage you have. You must ask him the difficult question, “What is really going on between us?” Hopefully, he makes it clear whether or not he has affections or future plans toward you.

There are only two things that could happen from this point. Either he responds correctly or not. If he does, then good for both of you. Whether or not he has affections for you, at least there is clarity by now. Since you have brought this matter to his attention, he can now guard your heart better. And you can tone down the expectations and relieve yourself of the confusion.

But if he doesn’t, expect the worst thing that could happen. You may lose a close friend and would have to endure a pain like that of a breakup, as Rogers pointed out in his blog. I don’t intend to minimize the pain, but just think that at least, you have guarded your heart from further emotional pain. In the event that this happens, just remember that God will be your source of comfort and strength.

2. Wait for the right guy. Ladies, face it. When your friend really treated you like a friendgirl, and does not “repent” from it, then he isn’t really Prince Charming. Godly men ought to be clear. They should not play around with your feelings and one-sidedly enjoy the friendship.

I’m going on a limb on what I will say next, and may even be seen as cold and insensitive. But here’s my counsel: Wait for the right guy. And of course, wait for the Lord (Psalm 27:14). Don’t think that you have already seen the guy of your dreams in your friend. And passing him forfeits you of an opportunity of a lifetime. Actually, when you pass him and decided to wait for the right guy, you just forfeited yourself of a pain of a lifetime!

(See my blog The Object of Our Waiting for a related discussion. It’s not really about waiting for the right man or woman. But I believe it will be helpful)

3. Find satisfaction in the Lord. Should I repeat on this? Your friend couldn’t satisfy the deepest longings of your soul. And even your Mr. Right Guy (even if he does not treat you as a friendgirl and is really clear towards you) couldn’t as well. Only God could do that for you (see Psalm 16:11 for example).

Before I End

Like I said a while ago, the counsel above is in its rawest form, uninfluenced by any female perspective. Now, I’d like to hear from you, ladies. So comment your thoughts below. (And while you’re doing it, you might be interested in joining the contest. You could win a book by simply commenting!).

Recent blogs on How’s Your Heart?:

Okay, I Think I Have a Friendgirl


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About Enzo Cortes

Enzo Cortes is the Youth Coordinator of Jzone Makati, the youth ministry of Christ's Commission Fellowship (CCF) Makati. He also speaks for various youth and young adult groups, including CCF Makati's young singles ministry, Friday Night Light. He loves to write, read books and blogs, drink coffee, and watch MMA fights.

2 responses to “Okay, I Think I’m a Friendgirl”

  1. guiltysaint says :

    I just wanted to share my experience with this as well.
    I spent my high school years being close with a male best friend. Our friendship remained and became more intimate in college. Once in a while, we meet-up, spend time catching-up. I could honestly see myself as the ‘friendgirl’, just saying ‘yes’ to his invitations. I even labeled it as ‘Intimate Random Night-out’, often bus rides from school. I like the idea of its randomness. I often think it gives me the thrill. Our friendship usually went to accountability because of being the best friend. We share things from school to our love lives, to our Walk with God.
    I was unaware of what’s really happening to me and my relationship with him until our Dgroup talked about “Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart” by Heather Arnel Paulsen. It discussed emotional attachment to male friends that triggers women’s tendency to expect and assume. After learning all this, I started to detach myself from him.

    Suggestion 1, The Confrontation, for me, is not a necessity. I see it as something too pushy? Not sure. Hee hee. I have this conception that confrontation should always come from the male side. For me, gradual decrease of attention could do. And if the guy would notice the change, then that could trigger The Confrontation, now just a simple and light scenario, not coming from the girl.

    That is what I did and now, I’m learning to live my life normally without him around. His work schedule created distance between us. And I really believe if I was not able to lessen my time with him earlier, I might not be able to cope with this change easily. We’re still friends, I have to clear that. But I always make sure that my attention towards him would now be the same as with our other friends.

    I’m happily satisfied with my Daily Intimate Dates with God more than with anyone else. 🙂

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