Okay, I Think I Have a Friendgirl
One day, I read an article that introduced the concept of friendgirl. When I was reading it, I can’t help but say to myself “This is like some of the kids in my youth ministry!” Or: “It’s just like ______ and ______!” I was laughing all the time!
In this blog, I will be talking to my fellow men. But I do hope that women will also benefit from this.
So What Exactly is A Friendgirl?
Joshua Rogers writes in his article:
You might have a friendgirl if you’re friends with a woman you never intend to marry and…
• You know she’s interested, but you figure that as long as you don’t kiss her, she will understand that the relationship is platonic.
• People ask if you’re dating her, and you act surprised every time.
• You’ve had to sheepishly explain that she’s “like a sister” to you.
• You think that defining the relationship means passively aggressively hinting that you’re not into her.
• When she calls you, you hang out with her if it’s convenient.
• When you call her, she drops everything to be with you.
• You justify continuing to hang out with her — despite being uninterested — because, well, you never know, maybe an attraction will eventually develop.
So young man, do you have one? I’m now expecting someone say to me, “Well…Not really…Maybe…Sort of…”
Face It, Young Man
We could be clear (even explicitly) to our female friend that we don’t have an intention of pursuing her. But our actions betray us otherwise. We text, or chat, or converse all day long, all week long. We regularly go out on “friendly” dates. We join our larger circle of friends, but act as if our female friend is the only present person. We sincerely believe that we see her as a friend, while everybody else is asking “Is something going on?” And in all of these, we still have the guts to say: “She’s just my friend!”
Whether we admit that we have a friendgirl or not, we must face the fact that we actually (at one point of our lives or even now) enjoy the company of a woman who gives us a sense of emotional intimacy, an intimacy unlike from others, but don’t see as a potential wife.
Then we respond to the intimacy given us, unaware that we have already sent wrong signals that indicate interest, prompting both expectations and confusion in the woman’s part. Rogers captures it perfectly:
Guys, heads up: Your friendgirl thinks (or hopes) something might be going on between the two of you. She actually believes a great guy like you wouldn’t hang out with her, share his deepest feelings and kinda-sorta flirt with her unless there was some chance of a relationship. At the same time, she’s confused. Though you’re perfectly comfortable being emotionally intimate with her, you physically interact with her like she’s your kid sister.
Sadly, our female friend keeps her hopes up, only to find soon that they’re hoping for nothing.
What Do We Do?
Some of you might now say, “Okay, I think I have a friendgirl.” Good! Thanks for admitting. “What must I do now?” you now ask.
Well, here’s my advice: Do something! Rogers suggests that you could either pursue her, if you really like her, or apologize to her, if you felt that you gave her a wrong impression.
Brother, if you’re really interested in your friendgirl, then pursue her. Stop halfway dating her, start opening her door and clearly define the relationship for what it is. If things work out between the two of you, great. You’ll be one of those rare couples who truly began as friends, got married and thereafter convinced hopeless romantics everywhere that it really is possible for friendship to come first.
But if you’re not ready to pursue your friendgirl — after all this time — then kindly tell her you don’t see the relationship going beyond friendship and apologize if you’ve done anything to give that impression. To the degree you’ve been more emotionally intimate with her, she will rightfully feel more betrayed and misled by you. And at that point, the relationship will probably fall apart, and both of you will move on instead of spending years in an ambiguous, non-starter relationship.
He adds a warning if you take the second option:
When the quasi-friendship ends, as these kinds of relationships usually do, it will be painful, heartbreaking stuff — you know, kind of like a breakup. (Emphasis added)
Rogers actually offers a third option, but I won’t discuss it anymore. But let me stress one more thing: Treat your female friends as sisters with absolute purity (1 Timothy 5:2, NIV1984). (See my blog Treating Women as Sisters, With Absolute Purity for a related discussion).
Let me end with Roger’s closing statement:
Although I know it’s delightful to receive this kind of attention, please recognize this: It’s more than her attention you’re getting — it’s her love. And, brother, if all you’re ready to give her is the privilege of being your favorite gal pal, I’m sorry, but you don’t deserve it, and believe me, she deserves better.
Yes, she deserves better!
Oh yeah! Don’t forget to actually read Rogers’ article Your Friendgirl Deserves Better. I believe he’ll do better in driving all above points home.